It would appear that our young niece, Cadance, is visiting Canterlot Castle. She has asked me to read several scary bedtime stories, much to Luna's dismay. Although I usually respect the wishes of my little sister, consider this her punishment for sneaking a bite of my cake and refusing to admit her guilt.
But I really didn't do it!
Don't lie to me Luna! I would've shared it with you if you have only asked. Now, without further ado, I present to you:
"Celestia's Chilling Tales"
Our first story of the night is about a certain gray mailmare in Ponyville. Her name was Derpy Hooves and was a very diligent member of the post office. The mail she dutifully delivers everyday maintains order in all of Equestria. One fateful day, she mysteriously vanished, leaving nothing behind but a muffin. What happened to her, you ask? Well, this is the story of:
Derpy and the Cursed Muffin
It was getting late and Derpy's favorite bakery: The Sugarcube Corner was closed. She desperately wanted a muffin to eat, but to no avail. The grey pegasus attempted to make her own batch of muffins earlier, but every batch she made simply turned out inedible. The first batch was smoldering when it came out of the oven. The second batch was a putrid purple with thick and slimy bubbles. She gave up after the third batch when the oven exploded.
"I just don't know what went wrong " sighed Derpy as she trotted away from Sugarcube Corner.
The mailmare wandered along the streets of Ponyville aimlessly. It was nearing twelve thirty in the morning, and the moon was shining brightly.
Yes. Now where was I? Ah yes, most of the shops in the small town had closed long ago, all except for one.
Unlike all the other colorful and cheery buildings of Ponyville, this particular shop was dark and gloomy. The roof was sagging and several of the broken windows were covered with cheap cardboard. Among that wreck was a battered door with rusty hinges. Derpy would've walked away if not for the bright red Open sign that hung on the door.
Having nothing to lose, the wall-eyed mare gingerly entered the shady looking shop.
"Greetings," croaked the shopkeeper.
The face of the pony was enshrouded under a frayed hood, hiding everything but a toothy grin and a Fu-Manchu style mustache.
"Hello, I was wondering if" Derpy began.
"You seek this, I presume," interrupted the old pony, his grin growing wider as he brought out a bright brown muffin with the most lustrous chocolate chips Derpy had ever seen.
Derpy had no idea how the colt knew what was on her mind, but her brain was screaming at her to buy the baked good right away.
"Yes! I'll take it please!" exclaimed Derpy as she took out a small bag of bits.
The shopkeeper took several of the bits, but before Derpy could leave with her prize, the colt grabbed Derpy and stared deep into her misaligned eyes.
"Take this muffin, but beware it carries a terrible curse!" he whispered, his dinner of moldy alfalfa and corn burning its way into Derpy's nostrils.
"Ooh That's bad right?"
"But it comes with a free frozen yoghurt!" giggled the colt as he unveiled a large machine churning away at what Derpy presumed to be vanilla yogurt.
"Oh! That's good!"
"The frozen yogurt is also cursed," said the shopkeeper solemnly.
"But you get your choice of toppings!" sang the colt.
"Um that's good?"
"The toppings contain potassium benzoate," replied the crazed owner.
At this point, Derpy's mind was already working overtime to process what was going on. She said nothing and looked at the shopkeeper with a puzzled expression.
"That's bad, by the way. Preservatives aren't very good for you," he said.
"Can I go now?"
The mail mare left the shop carrying her supposedly cursed muffin in a small paper bag. Derpy took a bite out of her also cursed frozen yogurt and cringed at the taste. The innocent looking rainbow sprinkle covered cone tasted worse than her burnt muffins. She discarded the frozen "treat" and flew home with a big smile on her face. After hours of searching for a muffin, she had finally found one! It looked delicious, despite it being from a creepy looking shop with a creepier looking owner.
Upon returning home, she placed the muffin gently on the kitchen counter and examined it carefully. Everything seemed perfect. The rise was beautiful and the spread of the chocolate chips were separated evenly. Derpy decided to save the muffin for breakfast, her weariness outgrowing her hunger, not to mention, she still had to deliver letters early in the morning. Derpy kissed the muffin and headed to bed, eagerly awaiting what would come in several hours.
As the mail mare lay in bed, her muffin began to undergo fantastic changes. First, it began to grown larger and larger. Soon it was the size of Derpy's couch. Once its growth was complete, long sinewy arms and legs sprouted from the baked good. The muffin then turned and hopped off the counter and looked around the kitchen. Finding a knife rack, the giant muffin selected the biggest and sharpest knife available and followed the gentle snoring towards Derpy's bedroom.
Derpy's dreams of a kingdom filled with cupcakes and muffins came to a halt when a loud clunking noise outside her bedroom shook her awake.
The grey pegasus rubbed her eyes as she got out of bed to investigate the disturbance. All traces of sleep vanished when she saw the giant knife wielding muffin lodged in the narrow corridor of her home. The muffin pulsated and struggled to break itself free.
Derpy did not know what to do. On one hoof, the large filleting knife looked terrifying. On the other hoof, this was the biggest muffin she had ever seen before in her life. Love and affection began to overcome her nagging sense of fear.
"Hey Mr. Muffin, if you put the knife down, I'll help you get out!"
The muffin paused, then it suddenly began to hack away at itself with the knife. Slowly but surely, the fiendish confection's bulk began to whittle away, leaving chunks of its doughy flesh onto the floor.
"No, stop!" cried Derpy as she stepped towards the beast, "You don't have to do this! I can get you out!"
The muffin growled in response and resumed its self-mutilation. Derpy stared in horror as her beloved food destroyed itself. It was too much for poor Derpy; a nerve in her head snapped. She slammed her hoof into a wall and then galloped straight at the muffin. The muffin prepared to take a stab at her, but her devotion to save the monster was too strong. Derpy dodged the knife and leapt onto the top of the beast.
"Please stop," begged Derpy as she hugged the muffin, her eyes squeezing shut as tears began forming, "Don't do this, you don't have to be evil. I'm so sorry for wanting to eat you."
Derpy's tears dripped onto the skin of the monster, causing it to stop thrashing and remain still. The muffin dropped the knife and plucked the sobbing mare off its head. Through teary eyes, Derpy gazed into the beady chocolate chip "eyes" of the grand muffin. Much to Derpy's surprise, the muffin returned her hug.
"Why do you show me such kindness?" grunted the muffin.
Derpy sniffed and said, "I love all muffins, even giant killer muffins like you. I just thought, maybe all you needed was some love "
"Thank you kind mare," whispered the muffin, "Your love has broken the curse and freed my soul. I'll never have to kill again."
Derpy's eyes glowed with excitement. She had never heard of, much less seen, a sentient muffin before. She had so many questions to ask.
"Nah, I'm just messing with you!" cackled the muffin.
Derpy screamed and disappeared into the maw of the monster.
When she failed to show up for work for three days, people began to worry. The townsfolk organized search parties that scoured every corner of Ponyville and the Everfree Forest. All they could find was an uneaten chocolate chip muffin in Derpy's cottage.
Wow, so no one ever sees Derpy again?
That's right, Cadance. If you aren't careful, the muffin monster might get you one day. Just as I know that Luna will be getting a visit from the cake monster very soon.
Dang it, for the last time, I didn't eat your stupid cake! I didn't even know you had cake.
Needless to say, a certain monster will be visiting you some time in the future.
Ugh, don't you have another story to read?
Indeed I do. This one is called:
The Three Princess Ponies Gruff
What's a gruff?
Gruff means rough and low and pitch, but in this case, it has something to do with a troll.
Do trolls actually exist?
We're in the same room with one right now.
Quiet you, and yes Cadance, they're very much real. Although they're soon to be extinct.
Why is that?
Take a guess. 'Tia here is the queen of the trolls, and she refuses to breed.
I've had just about enough out of you missy. One more snarky remark like that and you're sleeping in the broom closet with Mr. Squiggles.
NO! Please! Anything but Mr. Squiggles!
Hmph. Continuing on, trolls are soon to be extinct because they arent' very smart. They would much rather accumulate large sums of wealth than breed.
Cadance: (to Luna)
Psst who's Mr. Squiggles?
An enchanted mop, now be quiet before she sends both of us into the broom closet with him.
In the olden ages before toasters and indoor plumbing, lived three princesses. The youngest was a cute little filly much like you Cadance. The second princess, was sneaky and plotting, like you Luna. The eldest princess, much like me, was regal and kind towards all her subjects.
(Luna tries as hard as possible to not say anything)
Every day, the three princesses would leave their castle to visit town. After their work has been completed, the youngest would leave town first, then the second followed, and finally the eldest. One day however, the road back home was destroyed by an erratic lightning storm. Trees were toppled and the terrain impassable.
Wow, the pegasi weather team have been really slacking off.
Not quite, Cadence. The Pegasi did not exist yet, nor did the unicorns. Every pony was an earth pony, even the three princesses. So the weather was spontaneous and the heavens decided when it would rain or shine.
So you and Luna both weren't born yet?
Oh, we were born alright, but back then, we weren't the rulers of all of Equestria. We were isolated from the regular ponies and went on our separate ways. It wasn't until much later that we decided to create the pegasi and unicorns in order to reduce the strain of survival on the earth ponies. Monsters ran rampant back then, and everyone lived in constant fear of a manticore or an ursa major gobbling them up.
Luckily for this story, the three princesses and the town liven in a relatively safe area with few monsters. But like I was saying, on her way home from town, the youngest sister found the path completely blocked off. She had to take a detour and go all the way around what was today known as the Everfree Forest. Scary creatures like the timber wolves howled in the distance, letting the young princess know that danger was never far. When she was almost home, she came across an old and abandoned bridge across a raging river. As the princess tried to cross, a troll appeared and block her path. The troll had razor sharp yellow teeth and bright red eyes. It stared hungrily at the princess.
"No pony crosses MY bridge without paying the toll, THREE GOLD COINS!" demanded the troll, as chunks of spittle and goat flesh spewed onto the young princess's face.
Trolls were not very intelligent creatures, but they were certainly greedy. They hoarded up piles of gold and treasures whenever they could lay their hands on it.
"But Mr. Troll, I don't have any gold on me."
"Then I suppose I'll have to eat you. I haven't had pony in a long time " growled the beast as it slowly approached the filly. Long strands of drool began to drip from its face as it neared the terrified princess.
"Please don't eat me Mr. Troll! I'm just a small pony, but I know my sisters will be coming by very soon. They are much larger than me and probably much tastier."
The troll thought for a moment, "You better not be lying to me little pony, or I'll rip you up and grind your bones into dust."
"No, I'm very serious," squeaked the little princess, "Please don't eat me."
"Very well, you may pass," said the troll in anticipation of a larger feast.
The filly thanked the troll and hurried on to the safety of the castle.
Soon, the second sister had encountered the blocked path and followed the road to the bridge. The troll jumps out and demands payment in gold like before. Not having any gold on her either, the troll licks his chops as he readied his spiked club.
"Please don't kill me Mr. Handsome! I am but skin and bones, and I probably taste horrible after prancing around in manure all day long," pleaded the middle sister, "If you should eat any pony, then eat my older sister. She is twice my size and much prettier than me, and nicer than me, and smells better and---"
I think we get the point 'Tia.
Ahem. Anyway, the smell of dung repulsed the troll, and she was allowed passage across the bridge. When the oldest princess finally arrived at the bridge, the troll marveled at how beautiful she was. He didn't even bother blocking the bridge. He just stood to one side and watched the flowing mane of the regal sister. So everyone got home safe and lived happily ever after. Except for the troll who became so infatuated with the eldest princess that he sang poems of love and sent flowers to her every day.
That's it? That wasn't very scary at all!
Not scary enough for you? How about this one then:
Luna Visits the Moon
Once upon a time, Princess Celestia sent her disobedient and cake stealing sister to the moon.
Now I bid you all a good night, don't let Mr. Squiggles bite.
Are you alright Luna? You seem awfully pale.